“I’m Fine”

Mental health, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment and then sit and overthink it for hours because the paranoia of the thought of upsetting someone is eating away at the mind. Sometimes we sit up at night thinking of that particular situation that happened 6 months ago but it shouldn’t matter anymore. Sometimes we can’t go out because the mind shuts everything else out leaving you feeling isolated. The famous words of “I’m fine” translates to “I’m really not fine” but we don’t want to make a fuss or feel like a burden to everyone else so we try and hide it with that world famous fake smile that seems to have been mastered now to an expert level. The panic attacks, the voice inside your head, and trying to believe the words “you are going to be okay” is true when at this precise moment you feel like you’re not. It’s a dark world which feels like has no happy ending but damn, it takes a whole load of courage to realise there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel you just need to push further to reach it, however at the same time it’s hard to try and comprehend the words “stay strong” at your weakest moments.

We can’t help it. If there was a switch for this anxiety I’ve got trust me I would have flicked it off years ago. No one wants this to happen, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, we just want people to understand what is happening. If there is a friend that needs you be there for them, a simple compliment can make their day, re-assure them that they will be fine, no they won’t believe you but I sure as hell want to hear it even when I don’t believe it, one of us has to have hope. The best thing I done was telling my loved ones how I would prefer they act when I’m having a panic attack, the more they understand the more comfortable I feel knowing that they realise how to make me feel calmer in that situation. It also feels me with more confidence knowing that I’m not on my own when I’m suffering with a panic attack and that I’m with other people who know how to act when I’m in that situation.

It’s hard to explain the feeling of a panic attack but to me it feels like pure fear and dread. The feeling of not being able to breathe makes me feel like I’m suffocating, it can be very painful, the migraines and aches you get from suffering with a panic attack. It makes you feel isolated, at the time everything is heightened your senses are on edge, you feel like nothing in the world can help, and all you want to do is take a simple breath but your lungs aren’t capable. However after a panic attack, then comes the worry of being a burden, I overthink everything, my worst fear is that I’ve been an inconvenience for everyone when my mental health affects me, no matter how many times people tell me “it’s okay” I still want to apologise a thousand times for how my brain had a moment of madness, and I know I shouldn’t think like that, I can’t think like that but it happens. I however have had my fair share of moments where people haven’t really got a clue on how to handle a situation like this, when a panic attack occurs the one thing you don’t say is “not now” or “calm down”, okay first I don’t choose to have a panic attack that’s just stupid, and second I can’t just “calm down” if it was that easy I would of been able to control this years ago. Another thing is when everyone stares, the worst thing is being the centre of attention, personally I need to be taken somewhere quiet before I get help, it won’t work if all I can see is people staring at me, or crowding me, because that makes the feeling of suffocation worse. However I have noticed, I don’t know if it’s just me personally but I do get quite snappy, the smallest thing irritates me, let me know if you get like that too.

Everyone is different in their own mental health journey, some people may just want to talk, whether it would be about the problem at hand or something completely different, knowing that someone is there to listen is a massive help to start with. Some people prefer to be alone, which is fair, however be there for them, just let them know that you are there for them and let them come to you it takes strength to even talk about this subject. Some may want one person in particular, confiding in that one individual can help massively.

I kind of went off on a tangent on this one, had a case of ‘word vomit’ you might say, however I write what I’m thinking and its so therapeutic letting it out, talking about it raises more awareness for the mental health community and can help other people maybe understand how we are feeling and help them on how to help us. My blog is a place of peace, I’m a stranger but if you need to talk or tell me how you are coping or feeling or even have any tips on how you deal with panic attacks, comment below, lets all share our tips and tricks and fight trough this journey together.

TTFN x